What am I doing?

You know I am my own worst enemy. I keep walking into places I do not... nor do I think I ever will understand. I just got done hanging out with my best friend. That is all we ever were friends. Most who have heard the story of my idiocy know she is closer to my ex. This is not the place to talk about that kind of stuff. She is one of the most toxic things in my life... yet I keep her around. I love her to bits, she opened up a new world for me. Yet I despise her for leaving me for something as trivial as a title. However, I guess in the end the title is all that matters. This is why I am having a hard time with life. I am poisoning myself with her. I keep her around and make her know I want her. At the same time she makes it known that we are through. I need to move on. I guess I try to move on by telling her about my other female.

I will call her Y, my ex can be called Z. Y is another toxic asset in my life. She is this pretty girl whom I really like... well I guess whom I really lust after. At times she seems very likable, when we are on the net... or texting... I cannot seem to get a hold of her on the phone... the one time we talked she really seemed to not like it. She is toxic because I cling to her word Like. That is what she said about me, and I guess I decided that I lusted after it. When Z left me to go have intercourse with another who would take a title it crushed me. I guess my jealousy shot my sex drive through the roof. I would have been fine if Z had not just jumped ship to another. Now I try to do the same with Y. To be honest I have not fucking clue what I am doing.

I lust after two toxic females. One who I know is affectionate and loving. The other who seems to be scared of touching others. How is this going to make me better? I know it is not... I want to get better... yet I spend... close to 12 hours hanging out with Z. I will spend another three to four hours with Y tomorrow. I should have been out conquering my fears... yet I live in the past. Believing that one day I will have one of the other in my bed. I know that will not be the case. If I ever want another in my bed. I have to move forward. I hope I can... it seems like I just do not have the confidence to do so yet....