Hey it has been a while.  I guess I am not too surprised after all it takes a lot of motivation write something like this.  Anyway, let's get on with what has been going on.  Really all that has gone on in my life since I last posted is I have lost 12 lbs.  Otherwise I have been doing nothing with my life.  Not that there is much I can really do anyway.

I think it was... wow two weeks ago... damn it has been a while.  Anyway two weeks ago I had a break down that almost killed me.  Luckily I was able to keep myself from running my van in the garage.  Like I said on a forum even if I called for help no one would have come to save me.

This was all triggered by Z.  She decided she had better things to do that weekend then spend time with me.  Her "best" friend of whom she has barely spoken too and not seen for over a month.  Then to top things off, the guy she has been "dating" broke up with her.  That just shattered me all the more.  Because instead of telling me straight out that it happened she played one of her fucking games with me.  She went on about how she wishes she could write a computer program to be the perfect boyfriend.  I guess she also spoke about her sister's boyfriend too.  That was her way of telling me I guess.  Stupid bitch, really she knows I am not as observant as her.  Yet she went ahead and played the games anyway.  So yeah I think I am permanently broken.  You see last week I was planning on killing myself.  However, that fell through, since my roommate decided he did not want to go not be in the apartment.  I was planning on drinking myself to death.  My roommate is a drag to be around when I am drinking.  Mainly because he tries to drink then gets sick and quits.

Plus then there is work.  Oh happy fun day, I am getting demoted... well officially anyway.  I will still keep my pay and my job.  Since the jackass who is taking my job is a narcissistic jack ass.  He will take my title then pawn all of his work off on me. That way he can keep doing what he is doing and blame everything on me.  However, I just do not care anymore to be honest.  This job is taking me no where fast.  I need to quit.  Then again I am probably going to quit living soon so why fucking bother?

The Small Stuff

Wow, I really need to make a point to post in here more often.  Problems is that I need to be inspired to post in here, and well inspiration is not forth coming.

Anyway, lets sum up the weekend.  My weekend started out on a good note.  I chatted up a cashier at Noodles and Company, or what I consider to be chatting one up.   So that made me feel good, the female almost looked interested.

Then comes Saturday, which kind of... well was neutral.  I started off my day with a Spin class.  I love those, even if they are ungodly hard.  However, then came my time with Y.  I think she is a nice girl, however, if I have ever been turned off by a girl it was at that baseball game.  The girl just sits there huddled over her chair, does not even move.  I presume she was scared, which is fair enough, she could have just told me she did not want to go to the game.  Not to mention the fact that she freaked out pretty hard when I tried to hug her when we met up.  Well not freaked out, more was VERY surprised.  It was just hard, here I am jumping up and down cheering, singing, and there she is sitting in her chair.  God now I know what I must have looked like all those years.  So she does not get any communication from me.  I have been working my ass off to establish a friendship.  I have family coming in this week so it is the perfect excuse.  God things must be bad when I don't really want to have sex with her because her lack of enthusiasm would turn me off something fierce.  Time to play the missing me game.  Chances are I will not hear from her again.

Then on Monday, there was a yoga class.  Let me tell you I am GLAD that it was so exhausting.  The stuff I see through those generic black tights most females wear... HOLY CRAP.  Lets just say that the only think I could not see was their gardening skills.  I was too, sore/exhausted/scared to chat any of them up as usual.  I tried to smile, but I do not think any of them saw me.  Oh well baby steps, first I need to regain my confidence.

Otherwise I am just trying to figure out my new Facebook account.  Facebook is a mysterious tool.  That is all I can say.  I hope it will help in my socializing....

Still Too Scared To Talk

You know it is funny, I say I want to meet people and practice socializing.  Yet when I see a oppurtunity I still run and hide like the wuss that I am.  I think it was because they were girls... and it was in the hot tub again.  I think I saw them.  They were pretty cute... probably in high school.  I don't know, as I have been told I need to get out and practice.

It is kind of funny, I do not really know why I just avoid people.  I see plenty of chances to talk to people... and I don't... I feel pretty weak.  I guess I just need to work on my confidence.  Why do I feel like I have to practice?  I need to work on the confidence first I guess... I guess I can practice smiling.  I don't know, seems like a challenge.

What am I doing?

You know I am my own worst enemy. I keep walking into places I do not... nor do I think I ever will understand. I just got done hanging out with my best friend. That is all we ever were friends. Most who have heard the story of my idiocy know she is closer to my ex. This is not the place to talk about that kind of stuff. She is one of the most toxic things in my life... yet I keep her around. I love her to bits, she opened up a new world for me. Yet I despise her for leaving me for something as trivial as a title. However, I guess in the end the title is all that matters. This is why I am having a hard time with life. I am poisoning myself with her. I keep her around and make her know I want her. At the same time she makes it known that we are through. I need to move on. I guess I try to move on by telling her about my other female.

I will call her Y, my ex can be called Z. Y is another toxic asset in my life. She is this pretty girl whom I really like... well I guess whom I really lust after. At times she seems very likable, when we are on the net... or texting... I cannot seem to get a hold of her on the phone... the one time we talked she really seemed to not like it. She is toxic because I cling to her word Like. That is what she said about me, and I guess I decided that I lusted after it. When Z left me to go have intercourse with another who would take a title it crushed me. I guess my jealousy shot my sex drive through the roof. I would have been fine if Z had not just jumped ship to another. Now I try to do the same with Y. To be honest I have not fucking clue what I am doing.

I lust after two toxic females. One who I know is affectionate and loving. The other who seems to be scared of touching others. How is this going to make me better? I know it is not... I want to get better... yet I spend... close to 12 hours hanging out with Z. I will spend another three to four hours with Y tomorrow. I should have been out conquering my fears... yet I live in the past. Believing that one day I will have one of the other in my bed. I know that will not be the case. If I ever want another in my bed. I have to move forward. I hope I can... it seems like I just do not have the confidence to do so yet....